Escapades of the Hogwarts Laundry Room
by Eppy Jojo
Summary: As told by Lumpy the House elf, this follows the goingson of the unknown Hogwarts Laundry Room during our heroes' years at Hogwarts. Many types of pairings, series of oneshots all vaguely related. so far: FLxSC, AlbusxMinerva, RonxLavender. Humor!
1. The Happy Couple

**Escapades of the Hogwarts Laundry Room: **

**As told by Lumpy the house elf**

**[Author's Note:::**As we all know, many mysteries and secrets are hidden within the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Perhaps none so mysterious as to the ever impending question: How do its occupants clean their clothing? This is a question that has boggled the minds of fans and devoted readers everywhere. The closest we have come to an answer is the occasional nod or nudge toward the face that some sort of facility exists. For example, in the Second book, Hermione obtains new robes for Harry and Ron to wear post-polyjuice potion, reporting that she took them from the "laundry," thus insinuating that one does, in fact, exist. Also, in Harry's Hogwarts acceptance letter, all students are asked to have name tags sewn into their robes. Obviously, there would have to be some specific reason, such as so not to get the robes confused with one another. But nearer to the point, what else could be done besides laundry in this hidden room?… and who might venture or wander within to do them? This is a series of vaguely related oneshots telling the story of what may have happened within the Hogwarts Laundry Room during our heroes' years as students. Full of humorous, steamy, and entertaining anecdotes of the relationships of the school's various occupants. Please read and review, and if you've any more ideas for laundry room scenarios, private message me or leave it in a review. I'm open for nearly anything at the moment, so let me have it!

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Our story is told from the point of view of Lumpy, the Hogwarts house elf in charge of Laundry, and washing in general. She is a muddy peach color, with rather large ears, one of which characteristically flops like a terrier's. She is not the most cheerful of elves, and she is especially good at nagging. She particularly enjoys eavesdropping on private conversations, which provides us with a means to hear about these incidences in this Laundry room. Without further ado, Here it is:

**Escapades of the Hogwarts Laundry Room**

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Oh, pants. Lumpy has oh so very much to do before bed. A whole 'nother load of silly little wizard robes, those silly first years, don't they know that hiccupping solution stains? And then lumpy must go and clean up the dinner mess, oh yes indeed, never does lumpy get a wink of sleep, not so long as silly red head twins keep brewing up their messy sweets, Lumpy will have to clean up after them, won't she… But first Lumpy must finish here, with the laundry. Then Lumpy will be able to take a nice sleep, for a whole 3 hours even, because Lumpy doesn't have to help make the breakfast tomorrow, lucky Lumpy indeed…

But what is this? A strange and gangly red head boy? Ah yes, a ginger whats-they're-calleds, a wheezy. But how did the wheezy get in? the Hogwarts Laundry room

is quite difficult to find, one would have to know the correct way in, and it isn't easy at all, no, took

Winky three months to find it! Who could know that one must find the picture of the washwoman in the first floor portrait room, let alone know that the password is "Bleach?"….. Wait a moment. Lumpy may have mentioned it to the odd student who asked nicely… Lumpy always was a sucker for polite wizards and witches… Lumpy must remember to ask mr. lumble-pore to change the password…

And oh, but what's this? A little witchy followed the wheezy inside… what a silly grin on her face, she must be looking for the wheezy. Lumpy is quite glad that the students cannot see her back here, all among the cauldrons. Lumpy is quite the people watcher. Oh my, the wheezy can't hide in that cauldron forever, the girly is likely to find him soon… there we go, she's got him now. The wheezy looks all pale and afraid-like, Lumpy wonders what she'll do to him-- oh, what a sissy little boy, all she does is kiss him… all over his freckly face… good Merlin, is she licking his ear? The wheezy is starting to sweat, it looks like he doesn't like it very much… But whats this now? Does he really think that's going to work on an intelligent girl such as miss Lavender? How daft… oh. Well, that explains it. Lumpy supposes nobody can resist the old "look at that!" trick. It certainly seems to have worked for the wheezy. Miss Lavender is quite the… er… bright child though, I would have expected more brains from her… but look at that, she seems to have conjured up some ropes for the young wheezy… yep, she has him nice and tight, there they go… Lumpy nearly pities the poor little wheezy. Captured in the prime of his magical life, doomed to be oppressed by the woman, never again to… sighs Lumpy is sure…-ish… the wheezy will survive. Most likely. Perhaps. Well, maybe not. Anyways, Lumpy must finish the wash.


	2. Dirty Towels and Slytherins

**Escapades of the Hogwarts Laundry Room: **

**As told by Lumpy the house elf**

**Chapter Two: **

**Dirty Towels… and Slytherins.**

That ridiculous Peeves, he is always making messes for poor house elves to clean. And to clean up Peeves messies, house elves must have towels, and Lumpy can't get towels if second year transfiguration classes keep turning Lumpy's clean towels into puppies. Now Lumpy must work overtime to clean MORE towels. And here Lumpy is, at ten o'clock at night, washing up silly little towels for silly little students.

But what is this? A strange two headed creature or green and silver? Oh, no, wait, it is only two

students… engaging in some sort of-- dance? Or are they fighting? They seem to be biting each other… Oh my! They must be doing that wizard thing. What do the foul-mouthed witches call it? Smocking… Sogging… Snooking… Snoggling! The childrens are snoggling! Yes, they are snoggling quite hard… Ah, Lumpy can see which students they is now. It is the greasy Draco boy, and

the pretty Melinda Bobbin. Rumplestiltskin! They are having quite the snoggling conversation…

"Oh, Draco, you're amazing, you sexy Slytherin you!"

"You're not so bad yourself, Miss Bobbin. Now let me show you a little something that may make me look even better…"

Oh my! The Malfoy seems to be chewing on the Bobbin's ear! What a strange and curious sight. Lumpy cannot say that she has ever seen anything like it before! And what a very bizarre noise the Bobbin makes, She seems to be purring… no, moaning, almost in pain… but something tells Lumpy that he isn't hurting her… Merlin's beard! She seems to have leapt on top of him.

They seem to be moving in a most extraordinary way. And what is this? They seems to be tearing at each others clothes! Oh well, less for Lumpy to clean. But now they have disappeared behind a rather large pile of laundry. Wait, no, they seem to have emerged… but Miss Melinda has pushed the Malfoy into a cauldron, good thing Lumpy has already emptied the clothes water out of that one… ooh, look at those arms and legs popping out of the rim like that. Lumpy wonders what they are doing inside there. Maybe Lumpy will go over and see what is going on…

Woops! It looks like the witchy and wizzer didn't want Lumpy to see. But it doesn't seem to be a travesty, they are still wearing some clothes. Oh, but now the Malfoy is yelling at poor Lumpy, Lumpy didn't do anything wrong, did she? But it seems that the Bobbin is pulling the Malfoy away, lets see if Lumpy can overhear what miss Melinda is saying… Oh, they are only leaving to go somewhere else, Lumpy suggests the prefects' bathroom. They look at Lumpy like she is crazy, then the Malfoy is thanking Lumpy. Oh, there they go, away to the bathroom. The Bobbin is giggling quite sillily, the Malfoy is still looking at Lumpy strangely, but he seems to be letting Miss Melinda lead him. How strange all of these wand carriers are… quite "weird" indeed… but Lumpy is such a very busy house elf, so back to the towels with Lumpy.


	3. Socks and Sweethearts

**Authors Note: Well, here it is, the next chapter! holds up hand to rapturous applause I decided to do a sort of Christmas/Holidays theme, so this is a sort of late Christmas-in-July type, more of a Christmas in August I suppose… yes. Anyways, I KNOW there are people who read this, I can see the page views! So if you're going to bother reading it, you may as well just review, any type of compliment helps, as does constructive criticism. So puh-LEASE, just review! It would mean oh so very very much to me if you did. Thanks, you. MWAH! And now for the story. Here's to**

**Socks and Sweethearts**

Oh, Happy Holidays for Lumpy indeed! Lumpy is without work today, and Lumpy has time to settle down for a nice cold pumpkin juice. But everywhere Lumpy goes, there is students celebrating the Yule! Snowball messes, icy slush all over the corridors, loud wizard crackies going BANG BANG! Lumpy's life is simply all that and a bowl of chips thanks to wheezy twins giving out obnoxious snacks to all the baby first years for Christmas. So Lumpy decided to grab a swig of something a bit stronger than pumpkin juice, and now Lumpy is hiding out in the Laundry room once more. Lumpy should probably move in, she is here so much.

Oh, pants. Someone has entered AGAIN. Lumpy simply cannot get any privacy around this darned school. Who is it now… ah, someone who knows the password. Then again, it is not the most difficult room to enter in Hogwarts. Lumpy should really ask the headmaster to

change the password from "Tide" to something different, perhaps "Clorox." yes, that may do the trick… But look who it is, none other than Master Lumble-pore! Accompanied by Mistress Minerva, no wonder the very long and tall shadows on the floor. Lumpy needs to scurry off and hide, here behind this cauldron, She doesn't want them seeing Lumpy and

putting her to work. It appears as though Headmaster and Mistress have gotten holiday gifties for each other. If only someone would get a present for Lumpy… Ah well. Lumpy will just watch from here with her butterbeer. Headmaster is giving Miss Minerva his gift now. Lumpy wonders what he has buyed for the Transfiguration professor…

"Oh, Albus! You shouldn't have. You really shouldn't."

"Oh, no, Minerva, I insist. Though if you really don't want--"

"--Well, if you insist, then I guess…" _[McGonagall hands Dumbledore her gift, then proceeds to tear off the wrapping of his_.

"Well! This is… nice! I.. I like the colors. Oh, will you look at that, there's two of them!"

"Yes, they do tend to be sold in pairs. _[Dumbledore's face wrinkles with a smile._ "These were knitted by the house elf Dobby, at my request. He has quite the knack, don't you agree?"

"Er-- of course. The transforming towels are… charming, to say the least. Especially when they turn into puppies. Quite amusing, really. Its just that, when you see what I got you--" _[Dumbledore is already tearing apart the quidditch patterned wrapping paper_

"Oh, Minerva! You shouldn't have. They're beautiful! I think I'll put them on right now."

"I knitted them myself, actually, it took quite a while, I joined a muggle society over the summer called the Crimson Chapeau ladies or something of that sort. But all we really do is sit around reading muggle books and knitting, so I had a bit of spare time, and well… there they are!" _[Mcgonagall finishes her babble, looking rather nervous as she awaits Dumbledore's reaction._

"All by yourself, Minerva? How talented you are! Don't be modest, you're really quite good at that. I wonder if there is a red suspender society for us elderly men or some other type… but I do love your gift, Minerva! The animated color change is marvelous, really. Oh, I've wanted some of these for such a very long time, you know."_ [McGonagall flushes with happiness, though is careful not to let her face give her away._

"Yes, well, you did tell me you'd wanted some Albus. I wanted something special for you, and I thought, well, this would be perfect. This year has been truly lovely, Albus."

"I agree, Minerva dear. The year would have been rather daft without you. You do, as one muggle singer might say, "light up my life."

"Oh, Albus…"_[McGonagall scoots toward Dumbledore. Dumbledore responds by kissing her promptly on the lips._

"Come, Minerva. Let us not dilly dally. There are celebrations to take part in. Though this was, indeed, a rather nice getaway. Now if you'll excuse me a brief moment, I must give another gift to someone…"

Rumplestiltskin! Lumble-pore is coming right over to Lumpy! He is leaning this way, he must see poor Lumpy where she is hiding…

But whats this? Headmaster is pulling something out of his robes… ooh! A present for Lumpy! No one has given Lumpy a present in a long time, not since Lumpy's very first master… The Lumble-pore is walking away back to his Minnie…

So lets see what the headmaster has gotten Lumpy… hooray! A new bottle of butterbeer, good thinking, Lumpy's bottle is almost empty… along with a nice cozy dressing towel for Lumpy's wardrobe! How thoughtful, Lumpy really ought to thank him…

Bt the master is leaving now, with Miss Minerva on his arm, her head on his shoulder. How sweet, they are quite the couple. But very strange behavior, they had. They so immensely enjoyed their gifts to one another, Lumpy can't understand why! Lumpy has never seen anyone so emotional over a couple of pairs of wooly socks.

**A/N: And there 'twas! I've been dying to see some McGonagall/Dumbledore stuff, and so I decided to take a whack at it myself. I thought it was quite cute, and a bit longer than normal. I hope you enjoyed! REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!**


	4. Portrait Business

**A/N: Howdy Doo, folks! Sorry sorry sorry for being a lazy author ad not updating in FOREVER, but here's a nice little amusing piece that i've had written for a while. I'm actually rather proud of it, I do so hope that you'll enjoy... I thought portraits would be quite the thing, so I've decided to introduce the idea of "Portrait Romance", if I may. Enjoy!**

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"So, Lumpy dear, how long have you been working at Hogwarts

"So, Lumpy dear, how long have you been working at Hogwarts?"

"Lumpy asks for excuse, Miss.. Er… Lady, but Lumpy is very busy. Lumpy must do the wash."

"Yes, yes, of course, dear. I was only looking for a bit of conversation though. And I thought it was your duty to aid the inhabitants of the castle."

"Pardon, Lady, but Lumpy needs not take orders from a portrait… And Lumpy has been here her whole life."

"Well! You didn't have to be so rude about it. Why, if you had been around when…"

Merlin's Pants! Lumpy cannot take much more. This ridiculous Fat Woman has been bothering Lumpy all the day long. She is quite annoying, and is rather distressing to Lumpy's work. Lumpy cannot get anything done, not while there are Potions aprons to de-stain, and the Headmaster's weekly laundering to press and dry. How is Lumpy supposed to concentrate when the Fat Lady is constantly telling Lumpy her whole life story?

"… and that's when I learned that you should never wear britches to a soiree in Canada. You'd be kind to take a note to that, Lumpy. Very useful piece of information that is. And when I went to Africa on safari, I saw…"

Lumpy nonchalantly tucks washcloths into her ears, trying to snuff out the never ending voice. Lumpy notices that she doesn't even have any business in this room, her official territory is the Gryffindor tower. Oh, that's right. Lumpy recalls that the Lady is playing "Hide and Peek" with her suitor-portrait, Sir-whats-his-face. She just happened upon the portrait of the Greek Bathing Ladies, which is located in our Laundry Room. At first she was all giggly and "ssshhh"-ing, but now it has been near two hours and still no sign of Sir-whats-he-called. Lumpy's guess is that he is not the loudest howler in the owl, if one can catch Lumpy's drift.

Oh, speak of he-who-must-not-be-named, here comes the silly knight now.

_The Knights voice can be heard, singing a rather out-of-key song._

"Oh where, oh where, can my cup-cake be! Oh where, oh where can she beeeeeee-- Oh! There you are, love! I've got you!"

_Sir Cadogan leaps into the portrait where the Fat Lady is perched on the edge of the large bathtub. She squeals with delight as he skips noisily toward her. _

"Eeeeeeeee!! Oh, you found me, you clever thing you! Who's a good knight? Who's a clever knight? Who's a-- a shiny, clanky, beautiful, sexy piece of--"

_The Fat lady loses her self control as she leaps on top of him and begins attacking his lips viciously. _

"Oh my-- mmff! Rrmf! Nrmf!"

"What was that, love?"

"I was only saying, watch out for the--"

"Gaaaaahh!" SPLASH!

Ah. It seems they has fallen into the tub. Funny portraits, these is. Lumpy will get closer and see if she can hear more.

"Oh, Pumpkin, this is terrible! Now I shall rust! And then how will I keep the school safe from all of the terrible dangers that surround Hogwarts? Who will warn the first years of Peeves? Who will protect the third years from vicious murderers? What if a poor, helpless child loses their way in the confines of the castle and I am not there to assist? Who then, will keep these hallowed halls from falling apart? For I, Sir Cadogan the magnificent, am the only one who has courage beyond--"

"You know, handsome, we can take care of that problem. Why don't I just… help you take it off?"

"My… my armor?" _he chokes out. _"But… I-- its-- we-- I'm not wearing very much underneath, you see."

"Well then, its only fair that take off my clothes as well. You see, I'm not wearing all too much underneath this dress, you know."

"Ah. Well then. That's much more fair, I agree. And if anything happens in the meantime while we change--"

"Oh, shut up, you beast, and make sweet love to me."

Rumplestiltskin! There are many splashes inside that portrait. Lumpy is relieved that it is not out here, for Lumpy would have to be mopping up quite a bit.

"Oi! You there! Clear out! We're in the middle of something here, can't you see?"

Uh-oh. It seems Lumpy must leave now. The Knight-sir-whatsamacalled is glaring quite rudely at Lumpy, and standing only in his knickers, which are oddly patterned with tiny swords and shields. Lumpy does not regret leaving, it was getting quite graphic in the frame… Lumpy didn't even know that the portraits could.. Ahm.. Well… You know. That they had all their… eh… fixings. Yes, well, that shows where Lumpy was wrong, and Lumpy is, for once, glad to admit it.

--

**A/N: Well, there you have it! I hope you liked it... I'm planning on updating more ofen, and some reviews may encourage that... cough**

**Coming Soon: **

**More Teacher Hookups**

**Several Trelawney Shorts**

** ... And mayhaps some wealey/patil twin romances?? **

**OMG!**


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